To Grasp, To Hold, To Let Go
For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Today I was thinking about so many things. The thoughts just kept circling around. So many of my thoughts always center on Briella, or on grief, or how to live in this world now. There are so many emotions in all these thoughts. The emotions are heavy and overwhelming most times and they are not fun. They can even be a burden at times. That made me think of a Bible teaching during a Bible study I was attending. It was on Hebrews 12. These verses were the focus.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:1-2.
The teacher came with a backpack that day full of heavy books each with a different label (different burdens). We each carry different heavy things daily. She took the backpack off and had someone try to carry the burdens (the backpack) and do many different tasks. After a bit she took books out one by one. After pulling a few books out she asked the individual to try the tasks again and asked if it was easier. We all know what the answer is. She kept this going until the backpack was empty. The obvious fact is carrying a backpack is easiest when it is lightest/empty. The point the teacher wanted to make was to run the race with perseverance we need to throw off those things that entangle us, or weigh us down, i.e. our burdens. Psalm 55:22 tells us to cast our burdens on the Lord. Wow! That sounds a lot like 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast your cares on him, for he cares for you.” Briella’s favorite verse. So, 1 Peter 5:7 could read cast your burdens on him, for he cares for you. To “cast” is to get rid out, to throw off, to let go of.
My grief can feel like a giant rock some days. It can be exceptionally heavy. And yet if feels so wrong to let go of my grief. My grief is so connected to Briella that if I let go of grief, I will be letting go of her, of her memories. I know this is not true and yet my conscience says it is true.
This all brought me to the concept of grasping vs holding that I learned about in counseling. Grasping is when we want to control everything for all it is worth. Most of the time this control is not Godly. Holding is just letting it sit with us in our hands. It is just there. In this I am not in complete control of it. Holding allows God or others to also have control of it.
This idea of holding brought me so much comfort today as I thought about my grief. I can hold my grief right now, giving God control over it. I can’t release it and lay it down just yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t even know if how my brain is processing laying it down and letting go of my grief is truly Biblical. Today the concept of holding my grief brought peace. Letting go of it brought so much anxiety. I can’t let go of grief because my conscience is telling me that I would then be letting go of Briella. So today I hold my grief. Grief has so many sides. One side brings pain because my girl is not here, one side brings peace because it is connected to my girl, another side brings exhaustion because grief is heavy and yet another side bring weariness because grief is always part of me. And today I choose to hold it all.
